Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
You Might Also Like
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁