Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
You Might Also Like
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Before crowbars crows drank alone
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
My work here is don’t.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
What
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back