My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
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Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
I like how when you pull down on a paper towel dispenser you either get half a paper towel or half the roll.
[On a date]
*Don’t let her know you’re a dog*
Girl: Do you want to…maybe go for a walk after this?
*starts running in circles going crazy*
Does anyone know the cheat code to set life to easy mode?
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
Gravediggers: this is why
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns