Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
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H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.