Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
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Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!