[death row sitcom]

Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!

Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change


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PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*


Guy 1: fight me

Guy 2: ok… but… one thing

Guy 1: what?

Guy 2: well… it might sound weird but… well is it ok if we get a few thousand drunk people to watch?

Invention of wrestling


ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done


Just ran outside in a t shirt & panties to save a bird from my cat’s mouth. My kid thinks I’m a hero. My neighbor wants to have drinks later


Screw you, Burger King, if you really wanted me to have it “MY way” you’d have added alcohol to your menu.


Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.


You know you are getting old when you have to scroll down, scroll down, and scroll down some more, to select the year you were born.


This could be the expired methamphetamines talking but yeah, I’d love to babysit your kids.


The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.