local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
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Never let them see how much they hurt you. Or the gun. Definitely don’t let them see the gun.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
G: It’s complicated.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
I paused the movie to tweet this…
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
If I were Hillary, I’d ask Michelle Obama to stay on as first lady.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Definitely never want to own a small fruit stand in an action movie.