[death row sitcom]

Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!

Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change


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local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application


Never let them see how much they hurt you. Or the gun. Definitely don’t let them see the gun.


*pulls away from kissing*

batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?


Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.


If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.


“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”

-Disney’s Frozen

I paused the movie to tweet this…


HER: Let’s do some role playing

ME: Okay, be ur sister

HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..

ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?


If I were Hillary, I’d ask Michelle Obama to stay on as first lady.


“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.


Definitely never want to own a small fruit stand in an action movie.