[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
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Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
What about a To-Don’t List?
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Mountain Goat : )
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.