[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
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The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
channeling her this year
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶