My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
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If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
Just saw a spider. It was sleeping. I crawled into its mouth.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Mom: you failed your english test, didn’t you?
Me: who telled you?
1.) Buy 35 coats
2.) Goto the movie theatre
3.) Put a coat on every chair in the row
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”nnnExpecting that Father of the Year award any day now
-Describe yourself to me in one word.