I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
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Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
At my age Friends with Insurance Benefits sounds just as appealing.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
I’m beginning to think that Judas Priest might not be a Christian rock band.