@Chumpstring

[Death Row]

GUARD: last requests?

INMATE: a little heroin would be nice

TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*

INMATE: I meant the drug stupid

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@LaurelleMartin

My boys are gamers and I’m single

It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries

@ericsshadow

If Donald Trump becomes President,

The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors

@JennyJohnsonHi5

How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?

@BillMc7

Just saw a spider. It was sleeping. I crawled into its mouth.

@Kobbejaeger

It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.

@yassinovic89

Mom: you failed your english test, didn’t you?

Me: who telled you?

@heymonroe

Fun Prank:
1.) Buy 35 coats
2.) Goto the movie theatre
3.) Put a coat on every chair in the row
4.) Relax

@themorris23

In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”nnnExpecting that Father of the Year award any day now

@3sunzzz

[job interview]

-Describe yourself to me in one word.

-poor