@Chumpstring

[Death Row]

GUARD: last requests?

INMATE: a little heroin would be nice

TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*

INMATE: I meant the drug stupid

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@HomeProbably

Me: “Your mum sucks.”

GF: “That’s not very nice.”

Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”

@TomJonesN

At my age Friends with Insurance Benefits sounds just as appealing.

@slimmy_shady

My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.

@Donna_McCoy

I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.

@thepunningman

Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring

@Lisabug74

I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.

@better_off_dad

Pro Tip:

If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.

@Death_Buddy

FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.

PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.

@BestWorstAdvice

I’m beginning to think that Judas Priest might not be a Christian rock band.