[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
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When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
Had to try this trend 😊
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.