@dafloydsta

[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*

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@pleatedjeans

Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home

@garyfromteenmom

[first date]
ok dont let them know i stalked them online
them: my aunt–
me: theresa or sharon

@DamienFahey

When Chipotle says, “Guacamole is $1.50 extra, is that ok?” I pause, then say, “Hang on, let me call my financial advisor.”

@AdamGrinchyPoo

“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”

@VerbsRProudest

Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.

@BestWorstAdvice

I’m beginning to think that Judas Priest might not be a Christian rock band.

@refinedrednec

I have a way with words. It’s the wrong way but it’s still a way.