[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
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Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture