When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
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All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
My good mood is directly related to me. Don’t flatter yourself.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
i want to marry someone as funny as me. imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]