@TheRealNickKay

[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT

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@HLFHM

A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”

Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit

@DrDogMD

NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!

DR DOG: You’re joking, right?

@RandiLawson

Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.

@Jenny4ashley

I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.

@MsEmilyEdwards

once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.

@WilliamAder

What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?

@AristotlesNZ

Dracula had impeccable hair for a guy who couldn’t see himself in a mirror.

@DaddyJew

I save most of my sweet talking for different forms of potatoes

@AnOrangeSNES

Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song

@junejuly12

Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.