When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
You Might Also Like
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Yoga Matt
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*