WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon

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A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”

Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit


NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!

DR DOG: You’re joking, right?


Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.


I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.


once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.


What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?


Dracula had impeccable hair for a guy who couldn’t see himself in a mirror.


I save most of my sweet talking for different forms of potatoes


Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song


Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.