DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
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My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.