Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
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My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
😩😩😩
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on