when mom throws a party…
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My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
is this a threat
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
cat vs inanimate object
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time