Death: your time has come.

Me: no! not now!

Death: yes now.

Me: but… I have to poop?

Death: ……damn it. Go on then.

Me: wow that actually worked.

My toddler: *nods sagely*

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*Uses public restroom

**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel


I’m reading an article entitled “Top 20 Must Visit Places Before You Die” and I’m disappointed cos there is no mention of the word hospital.


Dear Santa,

My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.


Shit. Damn it. A bumper sticker just changed my entire worldview, again. This happens like 3 times a day.


Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.


Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?

Me: Yes

Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.


Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”

*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”


Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.


Today’s kids will never know how it felt to give your computer AIDS just for free music