@daddydoubts

Death: your time has come.

Me: no! not now!

Death: yes now.

Me: but… I have to poop?

Death: ……damn it. Go on then.

Me: wow that actually worked.

My toddler: *nods sagely*

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@envydatropic

*Uses public restroom

**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel

@aksorojas

I’m reading an article entitled “Top 20 Must Visit Places Before You Die” and I’m disappointed cos there is no mention of the word hospital.

@lovemydogduck

Dear Santa,

My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.

@boring_as_heck

Shit. Damn it. A bumper sticker just changed my entire worldview, again. This happens like 3 times a day.

@copymama

Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.

@OctopusCaveman

Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?

Me: Yes

Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.

@ddsmidt

Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”

*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”

@mrjohntofu

Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.

@Probablyrad

Today’s kids will never know how it felt to give your computer AIDS just for free music