@envydatropic
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
@daddydoubts
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
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@envydatropic
@aksorojas
I’m reading an article entitled “Top 20 Must Visit Places Before You Die” and I’m disappointed cos there is no mention of the word hospital.
@lovemydogduck
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
@boring_as_heck
Shit. Damn it. A bumper sticker just changed my entire worldview, again. This happens like 3 times a day.
@copymama
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
@OctopusCaveman
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
@ddsmidt
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
@SlipperySecret
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
@mrjohntofu
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
@Probablyrad
Today’s kids will never know how it felt to give your computer AIDS just for free music
