@iwearaonesie
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
@daddydoubts
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
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@iwearaonesie
@Carbosly
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
@Sickayduh
“That damn Lassie said Timmy fell down a ruffruffruff”
“Relax, honey. I’m sure she means well”
@ItalianBratikus
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
@ClearlyUnwell
A wise man once said nothing.
@ClichedOut
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
@huntigula
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
@AssOnHat
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
@DanorSlim
“What’re you like in the bedroom?”
Asleep.
@Mom_Overboard
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.