@daddydoubts

Death: your time has come.

Me: no! not now!

Death: yes now.

Me: but… I have to poop?

Death: ……damn it. Go on then.

Me: wow that actually worked.

My toddler: *nods sagely*

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@iwearaonesie

*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*

@Carbosly

“I think we should start touching other people.”

-Blind couple breaking up.

@Sickayduh

“That damn Lassie said Timmy fell down a ruffruffruff”

“Relax, honey. I’m sure she means well”

@ItalianBratikus

When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.

@ClichedOut

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

Me: The company moved.

I: Where?

M: They didn’t tell me.

@huntigula

why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free

@AssOnHat

bigfoot

the abominable snowman

chupacabras

the loch ness monster

a unicorn

mermaids

restful sleep

dragons

a super walmart

werewolves

happiness

cyclops

a 2,000 calorie diet

santa claus

@Mom_Overboard

Arranged my own kidnapping.

Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.

I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.