DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
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People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
bugs when you lift up a rock
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
Does beer think about me too?
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”