I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
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“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
My sex drive has a dui
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse