Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
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“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
is this meant to deter me
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
me
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Encore…
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.