Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
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Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
Jokes on them. I took 10.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.