[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
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Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Hey! This isn’t my car!