[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
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Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.