[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
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I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
The point of your 20s
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
Fries, not lies.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?