“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
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my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.