astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
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cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]