it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
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Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
figuring out my emotional availability:
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol