Me: He’s starting to stir!
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
DEBATE CAPTAIN: You’re off the debate team
ME: No I’m not
DEBATE CAPTAIN: Damn. Where the hell was this guy at regionals?
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I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
Michael Cera and Jesse Eisenberg bump into each other, say sorry awkwardly, then try to sidestep each other but keep stepping the same way.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
Oh my god
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Say no to drugs. Say yes to the dress. Say anything to John Cusack. Say you say me to Lionel Richie. Say say say to Paul McCartney.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.