DEBATE CAPTAIN: You’re off the debate team

ME: No I’m not

DEBATE CAPTAIN: Damn. Where the hell was this guy at regionals?

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pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.





“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.


[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.


Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face


Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.


“Your résume says you spent 4 years in England. What were you doing?”
*flashback to me trying to find the actual Hogwarts*
“Grad school.”


Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late

Spider’s wife: what took so long?

Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout

Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again

Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure


There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.


Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?