@thenatewolf

DEBATE CAPTAIN: You’re off the debate team

ME: No I’m not

DEBATE CAPTAIN: Damn. Where the hell was this guy at regionals?

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@tigersgoroooar

pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.

@3sunzzz

“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”

~History

@alrightbob

“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.

@dorsalstream

[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.

@AmoNickk

Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face

@TheAlexNevil

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.

@87bidi

“Your résume says you spent 4 years in England. What were you doing?”
*flashback to me trying to find the actual Hogwarts*
“Grad school.”

@PleaseBeGneiss

Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late

Spider’s wife: what took so long?

Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout

Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again

Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure

@LoveNLunchmeat

There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.

@Marlebean

Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?