Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
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Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I鈥檇 hoped
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
OH. COME. ON.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Don鈥檛 believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
馃幎Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty馃幎
I know you all think *I鈥檓* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister鈥檚 house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Sorry folks, Twitter鈥檚 broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
I鈥檓 never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I鈥檓 sorry, Joshua, there鈥檚 been a misunderstanding