Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
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*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”