debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
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surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly