My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
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Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
My kids fought over their school bags touching in the trunk if you needed a reason to pull out.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
I went into Whole Foods tonight and yelled, “Somebody’s Labradoodle just jumped out of a parked Subaru!” and everyone ran out.