me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
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Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
omg leave her alone
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.