When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
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Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.