She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
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[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”