This is just the best forever
Smoked a cigar
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
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Omg like wtf
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
According to my dad the top three crimes of all time are:
1. Standing there with the goddamn door open letting all the heat out
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
My roomba just went into the corner and knocked over the broom that was leaning there. Dude, chill out. You already got the job.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?