December 1st:
Smoked a cigar

December 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth

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I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.


This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.

Sir, this is a crime scene.


According to my dad the top three crimes of all time are:

3. Arson
2. Murder
1. Standing there with the goddamn door open letting all the heat out


I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.


My roomba just went into the corner and knocked over the broom that was leaning there. Dude, chill out. You already got the job.


me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee

drive-thru person: how many coffees?

me: one please


Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?

Me: Is that water or vodka?

Him: Vodka.

Me: Empty.