Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@alexualhealing

This is just the best forever

@fuzzlime

Omg like wtf
-me, praying

@DanKCharnley

You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*

@ThatBrenna

I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.

@TheCrumbDiary

This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.

Sir, this is a crime scene.

@shopkins776

According to my dad the top three crimes of all time are:

3. Arson
2. Murder
1. Standing there with the goddamn door open letting all the heat out

@Darlainky

I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.

@burnie

My roomba just went into the corner and knocked over the broom that was leaning there. Dude, chill out. You already got the job.

@junejuly12

me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee

drive-thru person: how many coffees?

me: one please

@SardonicTart

Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?

Me: Is that water or vodka?

Him: Vodka.

Me: Empty.