December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
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“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
Become a minion. Get that bread.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement