December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
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It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.