Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
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JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
Once again not all heroes wear capes
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’