New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
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Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many