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Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
water it, i dare you
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
That’s fair
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Why is no one talking about this?!
A French press is when you hug naked
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”