I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
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Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.