*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
You Might Also Like
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
welp
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.