*decides to workout*

*lays on ground to do sit-up*

*find skittle on ground*

*eats it*

*takes nap*

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*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper


Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone


The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat


Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…

That I do not possess, apparently.


There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat


The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking


When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:


[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.