Deciding which personality is going to respond to an email
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Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
i’m actually the nightmare before christmas, don’t talk to me until i’ve had my milk and cookies 😂🤣
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.