*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
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Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢