My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
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Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing