gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
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Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.