Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
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School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.