theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
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[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
Hey you with the Uggs, Michael Kors bag, iPhone, scarf and super excited voice..
*70 million white women turn around*
“I’m just going through some stuff right now” -ghosts probably
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
IT HAS A NAME!