*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
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I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.