*decorating the tree*

6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.

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theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.

findings: I am going to barf very soon.


[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”


MY BODY: You should exercise

ME: That sounds good

MY BODY: Because it’s heathy

ME: Yeah!

MY BODY: And makes you feel good

ME: Definitely!

MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!

ME: I’m lost


Hey you with the Uggs, Michael Kors bag, iPhone, scarf and super excited voice..

*70 million white women turn around*


“I’m just going through some stuff right now” -ghosts probably


Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault

Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night

Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here


Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.


sober me: where’s my phone?

drunk me: I’ll never tell

refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this