NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
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So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.