@GrantTanaka

*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles

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@david8hughes

[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.

@kentgrossarth

Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.

@losdrogas

went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser

@marinhubka

Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?

@Brianhopecomedy

My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.

@TuSoonShakur

CRUELLA DE VIL: you’re just giving away all of these coats for free?

SHELTER CLERK: yeah we call them rescues though

@LoveNLunchmeat

You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.

@notacroc

[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite

@_sumsx

I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑

@UnFitz

Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?