*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
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Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms