– Zebra walking past a self service checkout.
deep in the forest theres a metal box that controls most forest settings. toggle birds, set default leaf size, select season, squirrel ratio
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Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
I don’t always eat breakfast in my underwear but when I do, I get escorted out of Waffle House.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
*finally touches toes*
WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
*At the bank
Robber:THIS IS A STICKUP!
Me:Looks like a gun
M:Well, ‘THIS IS A GUN’ is way scarier
Teller:He’s got a point
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
My computer keeps trying to turn me. asked if Im a robot again. No mate still not a robot.