@hell_homer

deep in the forest theres a metal box that controls most forest settings. toggle birds, set default leaf size, select season, squirrel ratio

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@jazmasta

“Boop”

– Zebra walking past a self service checkout.

@ThatMummyLife

Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?

Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.

@papasuncle

Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.

@BradBroaddus

I don’t always eat breakfast in my underwear but when I do, I get escorted out of Waffle House.

@jannable9

Made some terrible life choices the last few years.

Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.

@UncleDuke1969

*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*

WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.

@better_off_dad

*At the bank

Robber:THIS IS A STICKUP!

Me:Looks like a gun

R:SHUT UP!

M:Well, ‘THIS IS A GUN’ is way scarier

Teller:He’s got a point

@_ElvishPresley_

Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet

Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-

*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*

Me: We have to go NOW

@lisaxy424

[a person with cold hands]

DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE

[a dog with cold paws]

POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT

@Julian_Deane

My computer keeps trying to turn me. asked if Im a robot again. No mate still not a robot.