me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
day 67 at hugwerts skool uv wezirdry nd none uv teh studints hav noticd dat my wahnd is an slim jim.
You Might Also Like
[ during job interview ]
– “Why do you think you would make a good asset to our team?”
– “I give up, why?”
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
couldn’t decide between consumed and ate so went with consummated, taking my donut love to a whole new level
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics.
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?