@HorryPuttor

deer diary:

day 67 at hugwerts skool uv wezirdry nd none uv teh studints hav noticd dat my wahnd is an slim jim.

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@FredTaming

me: congrats, when is the baby due

pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it

@ohpeetie

[ during job interview ]

– “Why do you think you would make a good asset to our team?”

– “I give up, why?”

@sofarrsogud

Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?

Aaaaaand…send.

@ItsZaeOk

pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.

@mack44_d

Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’

Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’

@RickAaron

You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.

Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.

@itsallbollocks

couldn’t decide between consumed and ate so went with consummated, taking my donut love to a whole new level

@_ElvishPresley_

Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.

@HispanicIcon

Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics.

@NewDadNotes

[at ultrasound]

Wife: omg so what is it?

Me: it’s a baby.

Wife: I know that.

Me: then why did you ask?

Wife:

Doctor: yes then why did you ask?