Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
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My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
“The princess dies. And then the people trying to save her die. Dragon guarding the castle? Dead”
– Bedtime at George R.R. Martin’s house
Got really excited when my wife said she was going to teach me something new in the bedroom until she started folding a fitted sheet.
~ Dog Acing Rorschach Test