@prufrockluvsong

Deer: *frozen in headlights*

Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater

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@Reverend_Scott

[Russian class]

Um, why did I fail this test?

Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…

I knowski.

@lexxluthaa

My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible

@PleaseBeGneiss

5yo: I love tv

Me: if you love it so much, why don—

5yo: I’m going to marry the tv

@curlymalloy

Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!

@sarcasticmommy4

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.

@The_Albinoshrek

Son: What’s for dinner

Me: Tater tots

Son: What else?

Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur

@AndyAsAdjective

[restaurant]

can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?

-how bout just one whole pizza instead?

oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza

@Mr_Kapowski

“The princess dies. And then the people trying to save her die. Dragon guarding the castle? Dead”

– Bedtime at George R.R. Martin’s house

@Brianhopecomedy

Got really excited when my wife said she was going to teach me something new in the bedroom until she started folding a fitted sheet.

@Hormonella

SQUIRREL!

SQUIRREL!

CAT!

SQUIRREL!

SQUIRREL!

MAILMAN!

SQUIRREL!

~ Dog Acing Rorschach Test