@prufrockluvsong

Deer: *frozen in headlights*

Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater

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@JPHaddadio

They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.

@JermHimselfish

Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.

@Laser_Cat

Jesus, take the wheel!

*steering wheel disappears*

*car careens into tree*

@DwayneDavidPaul

Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.

@ArfMeasures

Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions

Me: Oh God ok

Robber: Where’s the safe?

Wife: Over there

Robber: What’s the code?

Wife: 5743

Robber: What do you want for dinner?

Me: oh no

@fangrlsproblem

school: late

dentist: late

wedding: late

give birth: late

concert: 7 hours early

@noog

“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now

@daemonic3

The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.

@KeetPotato

pilot: [via intercom] if you dont shut up back there i will stop this plane
co-pilot: [quieter] wont it fall out the sky
pilot: not now gary