Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
You Might Also Like
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Note to self: I am a note
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle